SWINTER
February - the time of year in the South where there is enough cold to chill your bones, but enough promise of warmth to keep from freezing. It's Swinter - the time period when winter is nearing an end and spring is in sight. You can smell it in the air - a mix of the smell of snow and first blooms. I can't explain it much better than that. I just know the smell when it surfaces and I know the seasons are soon to change. I'm not a fan of intense heat or prolonged intense cold, so this in-between time is 'ok' with me. The part I can leave out is the gray, overcast sky. It doesn't make my heart happy or my brain function as well as it should - at least that's what I keep telling myself. I remind myself that brighter days are ahead. I have been reminding myself of that more often than not lately.
There are quiet moments in my new home, within my new surroundings, when it seems that the world has stopped turning - that there is nothing left to do in life but cook, clean, pay bills, take care of others, and pray they grow to be world changers. No big deal, right? I mean, I can do all that in 24 hours - oye. With so much to do and so many people to look after, I still have this internal, unscratchable itch - if unscratchable can be justified as a word - and it is what causes me to wake at night and contemplate all of life for the 100th time, or stare off into space when I'm surrounded by people and daydream as if I were 15 years old with 60 years still ahead of me. If genetics has anything to do with it, I'll be fortunate to have 25 more years on this planet. How should I spend them? Could I be more? Can I do more? What does God have for me? Is He done with me? Wouldn't I be dead if He was? Is it now all about the children? That's ok, too - I love them so much sometimes I don't know if I could make space for much else. I just need to know.
"Are you there God? It's me, Carrie."
I do what I can to fight off the gray sky, and in doing so sometimes get to recall things that bring me joy and remind me that there IS more. The scent of a charcoal grill, as I experienced the other night while walking my dog (another attempt to fight the gray), reminded me that there are others around me. The world does not revolve around me. I am to give, to serve, and to love others. That led to thoughts of gatherings, cookouts, laughter, and community. I walked a little further (which pleased my dog who was all too willing) and I passed a man smoking a cigar. The joy was replaced with a twinge in my heart. My father's face came into view and I saw him struggling to breathe like a fish out of water. I kept hearing my own voice, "I'm sorry, Daddy!" That's what I kept saying when the hospice nurse told me he was breathing that way because I failed to give him enough morphine. I'll never forget that he had no response to my cries of pain and sorrow. No response. Just terrible, painful breathing. The pain I felt knowing that his heart was racing like he was running a marathon because I didn't slow it down enough with morphine - well - OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD. I'm sorry, Daddy. A few more moments like this and he would have died pretty gruesomely. Fortunately, we were able to slow him down so he could drift off.
I kept fighting the gray sky. I kept walking. An older woman passed us by and the joy she found in seeing me walking my dog and my twins brought a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart. She seemed to be fighting the gray sky too. She looked pretty lonely and was sort of just wandering the neighborhood. She smiled so bright but her eyes were so sad. I turned the corner and that charcoal grill scent started floating by. My stomach growled. I jumped back into present tense and remembered my husband was cooking dinner and I was getting a break. I always whine about having to be a short order cook - so tonight was my out! It was warmer outside - enough to not wear a heavy coat - and the twins were content to point at trees and birds. My perspective shifted. Life goes on. It was time to go home to my family and have dinner.
LIFE. It's continuous. It stops for no one. Not even me. That's because life is not all about me. We are all on different journeys with different battles. Some walk in the sunshine all day long and some peek out from behind the clouds, and some, like me, reach for the sun and find the will and grit to fight the gray sky.
