I Threw The Smile Away

I talk so much about my parents. How can I not? They literally shaped me, molded me, loved me, disciplined me. Today was one of those days when I would have given ANYTHING to be able to call them. As sad as it may sound, I called their old number. I just wanted to see if someone new had it and what their voice might sound like.

Last night I dreamed of my parents. I sometimes ask (beg) God for a dream about them. It's not very satisfying though...because when I'm dreaming about them it's as if they are still here. When I wake up I feel as if they are and then the reality they are not hits me all over again and that raw pit in my stomach starts to throb. I've only had a couple of very real dreams where I knew in the dream they were gone and it was as if they came back to give me a message. That's a story for another day.

Some say I haven't processed my parents death completely. This is true. Every day without them is part of the process. I turned 40 last month and almost felt embarrassed for missing my parents so much. Do I need them to function and to make good choices? Do I need their help in carrying out day to day tasks? No- I just MISS them. I miss their laughs, their jokes, the way my mom would nag my dad and the way they would just hang out together on the back porch. I miss them SO much. But, life goes on. I know that. It's just that some days - it would be really amazing to reach out and touch them and talk to them.

The other night on the way home from teaching yoga, it was unseasonably cool. I had the sun roof open and the moon was incredible. I don't know why, but I felt like my dad was looking at me. I can talk for hours about what the Scriptures say happens to people when they die, what the afterlife may be like, but I can't say for sure whether loved ones can actually communicate with you after death. It's not a new concept of course - it's just one I tread lightly on because my heart is SO sensitive to it. Do I want my parents to show up randomly - OH MY GOD YES. Do I think they do? Not really. If heaven is what the Scriptures say - complete peace and happiness and no sorrow - they won't be visiting earth anytime soon. They are too busy with their new lives in heaven. I think - maybe - their memories of earth are much like we remember our childhood...they are in the present - somewhere else.

Anyway... So I was driving home from yoga (boy I can really digress) ...   I just felt like it was my dad looking at me. Clearly it was the moon, not my dad, but it was my dad!  I can't explain it. I looked up and yelled "Hi, dad! I love you so much!"  Then I felt silly. Then I did it about three more times...and I felt better. It felt GOOD to acknowledge his life. I cried. Then I did the same for my mom. It felt amazing to acknowledge her existence. Oh, how I miss them!

The other day I came across a photo of me and my father. He had a great smile. He had a lot of dental work done over the years and toward his later years, had partial dentures for front teeth. They looked EXACTLY like his former actual teeth. I was impressed with that dentist, ha! Anyway...after my dad passed away, this partial dental piece was left. I forgot that his last couple of days we removed them from his mouth and put them in a cleaner in a tray (as if he'd be putting them back in). Why this particular thought hurts so much, I don't know.  Anyway, when my dad was gone and my mom was still here, I noticed the container in the bathroom. I asked my mom what she would like me to do with it and she said not to do anything with it. For months I looked at it. For months I basically looked at my dad's smile. How crazy morbid is that?

After my mom left and I moved into the house, that container remained. I wouldn't look at it when I opened it, I would just rinse and put more cleaner in it. I wanted it preserved in some weird way. When it came time for us to move out of the house, that container was still there. It was one of the single worst moments of my life. I had to decide how or whether to throw out my dad's smile. It was RIDICULOUSLY difficult. I opened it...I cleaned the teeth. I envisioned his face surrounding those teeth...and balled like a baby. Then, I threw the entire thing away and put it outside in the trash immediately. I threw away the smile.

I think about this moment often. I think about how most would probably not think twice about it. I think...I may be a little crazy. I loved his smile so much. Having his ACTUAL smile (trust me I know how weird this is) was creepy and comforting at the same time.

Today was a hard day. I'm pretty open about my life through social media and this blog but there were several parts to today that I won't discuss. I found myself thinking about my dad's smile and my mom's warmth. I prayed for a friend who lost her father shortly after I lost mine and whose mom just had a cancerous tumor removed from her breast. I prayed for a family who lost their wife, mom, daughter to breast cancer last week - a friend of mine. I prayed for my husband - who just had his body poked and prodded to make SURE there were no signs of cancer. I pray for my kids, my twins, daily...I put my hands on them and pray against cancer. I pray against disease. I ask for preservation of the brain, the lungs, the vital organs...I don't know. Everything scares me. It's all scary. Yet - somehow I wake up everyday and we play in the dirt, we eat lots of things we should not, we find ourselves in crowds with germs, we don't always wash our hands in a timely manner. We are human and we are living. I am honestly doing the best that I can. I am so tired. SO tired. But I remain hopeful.

Romans 8:24-25 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.