A change is gonna come...

A CHANGE IS GONNA COME- Sam Cooke

                                      
I was born by the river in a little tent
                                                  
And just like that river I've been running  ever since
         
It's been a long a long time coming
     
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

...

There've been times I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, been a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

This is the story of my life. A change is gonna come. A change has come. We now live in a new town, my husband has a new job, my kids have a new school. I have a new - house. Well, it's not mine. I rent it. We didn't have enough time to buy a house and honestly, I don't want to own anything anymore. Anything I owned of value before our move had to be sold and sold cheaply, which sort of broke my heart. I'm surprised it could be broken again - as I thought the worst was watching people nickel and dime my parents' belongings after they died...my GOD...people have nerve. Or maybe, I shouldn't have handled the estate sale alone and pregnant with twins. Whichever.

I'm generally a fun-loving person. Having fun and laughing is probably what I do best and like the most about being a human being:). I've had full time jobs, I've had part time jobs, I have run my own business, I've done a lot of things. Still nothing satisfies. Laughing with people and having fun and building relationships seems to be what sticks. When I left my job to be with my father and then my mother through their illness and deaths, teaching yoga was the one thing I could do and not feel as though I were giving up time with them.  It gave me the mental space and strength I needed to handle life and protect myself from the big, black hole that seems to follow me as close as my shadow. I could teach a class here or there and escape from pain now and then. I loved it then and love it now...it taught me to breathe and go inward and rely on God in the greatest of ways. And still -  I desire to learn and do SO. MUCH. MORE. I want to learn as much as possible, feel as much as possible, move as much as possible, and LAUGH as much as possible! I don't do well at home 24/7. I don't do well without people. And yet - here I am. Alone in a new city without having any people!  Another change. I am constantly asking God what my lesson is in this season.

I know that it's temporary. The temperature will warm to where the babies and I can be outside, I'll join a fitness group, I'll start teaching yoga again, I'll get connected at church if I can ever commit to one (that's another blog post), people will enter and exit my life once again. I know this. I remind myself of this on the darker, lonelier days when my husband works 14 hours (like today), when my kids need a million mom things, when my babies won't let me stand up and just want to be in my lap. These are moments I need to stop and breathe through. These are the moments when the REAL yoga comes in. Learning how to be still and in the moment is not something that comes easy to me. I look for ways to pass the time, fill the time, and exhaust myself. It's a way of validating my existence, I am sure. I can't afford to go back to work full time due to daycare and aftercare costs, so I tend to try to find ways to make sure I work as hard as ever, in that stay-at-home mom way. Boy, is THAT ever fulfilling (insert sarcasm). I equate that to working like a dog for boss (or several) who doesn't understand what your job really is, denies you acknowledgement and pay raises, but continues to expect you to change with the tide and be all you can be EVERY day.  For some women it is what they feel they are called to and what fulfills them the most. I understand and respect that - but I am wired differently. You can't work for 13-14 years professionally, quit your career (willingly), birth twins, lose your parents, move to a new city - and not have your head spin from time to time

It's seasons like this when I drop to my knees and remind myself that I know a God who created me and who created my family and the rest of this world. I know a God who is the author of time, the giver of emotions, the lifter of my spirits. It's not that I am not thankful for my children. They truly fill my heart with joy and remind me about what life is really all about. I DO KNOW that they are my mission field, that they NEED me, and that the moment I threw that birth control out of the window, that I signed up to take care of these people for 18 years. I KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, and would not change it. I couldn't imagine my babies being somewhere else 8 hours or more per day. I did that once, twice, actually, with my older boys. There are pros and cons to everything. Right now it's just so utterly exhausting. I look in the mirror and wonder who the heck is looking back! Wrinkles, bags, in need of a haircut - that's me! So here I am, 39, and a stay-at-home mom who has a great need for community.

I sometimes watch other people and wonder how they do it. How do they do life? Is their life so great that they have never had a need for something or someone greater? How do people do life without God? I think back to my years of flying solo in my heart without God. Sure I knew He was there - but I just sort of ignored Him. I had no use for Him. I was busy. When I got lonely or I felt the Spirit prodding me, I simply did more and layered my life. Now I am busier than ever in the most different way, and I don't know if I can get out of bed some days without Him - without His word speaking to my heart. There must be something to that "hiding His word in your heart" concept. I thought that was just told to preschoolers who were maybe learning how to memorize "Jesus loves me" or "God so loved the world." Apparently it's also meant for the grown ups who can't muster the strength to lift a Bible to find the words to heal and help. If the words are embedded in your heart and the Bible is truly the living Word, they will come alive in your life over and over. I have experienced this and so I hold onto it with GREAT EXPECTATION. A change is gonna come...